Forgiveness and Healing


 March 11, 2024

I know that many of us come into S-Anon feeling deeply lonely with a strong sense of not belonging. I definitely felt that when I came in. This loneliness and isolation made the prospect of admitting my wrongs to God and to another human being very hard. Underneath, though, I knew the Fifth Step would bring me freedom and peace. So using the principle of this Step, I chose to admit my worst secret to my group and to God — that I had stood by and done nothing about my daughter’s incest. It was very painful to admit that I had not been there for her and that I had not been the mother she needed — that I had been so out of touch with my reality and hers. As I had hoped, admitting it to the group brought me a sense of forgiveness and healing. Some of the group members were the age of my children. Feeling their compassion and forgiveness was particularly healing for me. One even came up to me and said she wished that I was her mom, because I was able to admit my wrongs and say that I was sorry.

After doing the Fifth Step on this issue I gradually forgave myself and released the guilt. My life is now increasingly better on a daily basis, even though I still occasionally feel some sadness when I think of how my actions affected my children. Yet I am grateful that I was able to share the secret. Sharing it gave me the strength that comes with knowing I can identify my truths and I can share them. Sharing about my denial of the incest also gave me the courage to go on and formally work an entire Fifth Step with my sponsor. Today when I’m stuck in difficult feelings or a problem, I turn to Step Five. It helps me live in reality.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, pages 56-57.

Achieving Balance


 February 26, 2024

When I began my recovery, my children were all in elementary school. Our home had an atmosphere of tension and insecurity.I was bound and determined to be the perfect mother—loving, compassionate, understanding—but I really did not know how to manifest those qualities in a balanced way. I sometimes went to extremes in caring for my children. There was a constant feeling of impending disaster and if someone made a mistake (and there were plenty!), I reacted in extreme ways. I neglected the children emotionally, obsessing about my husband when he was acting out and worrying about the “next time” when he was not. I lived my life through my kids because I didn’t even realize at that time that I had my own separate life. If they passed a science test, I felt I was a success. If they got a low grade, I was a failure as a mom. Their grades were my grades and their emotions became my emotions.

Today, after several years in S-Anon, my children know that when I go to a meeting, make a telephone call, or receive a telephone call from a program friend, I am trying to stay balanced. I don’t force heavy conversation with my children, but I try to be aware of any opportunity where I might be able to share my recovery with them, and be emotionally available in that moment. I have told them that there are certain groups and people whom God has given to both their dad and me to help us learn how to truly love ourselves and others. I talk with them about being aware of feelings and learning to express feelings honestly in appropriate ways. I talk with them about the need for each of us to have boundaries, how we need to learn to “mind our own business” in a loving manner, and how I am not going to get this all perfect for probably a very long time — if ever! Above all, I try to make amends where needed as quickly as possible, and stay current with any issue needing our attention. I have not disclosed the details of their dad’s addiction. I feel that is his responsibility when he feels the time is appropriate. Now, if I get off track, usually one of the children will bring it to my attention, and I again have the opportunity to put the program into practice! I cannot count the number of times my 13-year old has said to me in so many words “Mom, you are starting to get into other people’s ‘stuff’!” but if I am working the program on a daily basis, they will see it, feel it, and I can share what I have learned in S-Anon with my children at their level.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, pages 88-89.

Filling the Vacuum


 February 12, 2024

In my first science class, years ago, I learned a fact that intrigued me: nature abhors a vacuum. I was reminded of that fact of nature recently at an S-Anon meeting. A member spoke words that could have come right from my own mouth – if I had been honest enough to say them.

She spoke of wanting to stop being so judgmental of the sexaholic and others in her family. She shared about surrendering her critical and judgmental attitude to her Higher Power, and how God was replacing that attitude with a spirit of compassion and cooperation. She said she was feeling so much better about herself and others.

I knew that was what I wanted. I didn’t want to have to be so “right” all the time. I prayed to be released from my own judgmental and critical spirit and to be given an attitude of compassion.

I find that now I am learning to be more affirming and encouraging – not only to others, but to myself as well. Since I was given the words by my S-Anon friend, I am beginning to walk alongside my sexaholic with a more understanding heart. A spirit of compassion and cooperation is replacing my judgmental and critical spirit; it is filling the vacuum.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 140.

Reclaiming Me


 January 22, 2024

At the time I found out that my spouse was an active sexaholic, I was a new mom, jobless, and nearly devoid of my own identity. My only definition of myself revolved around my family. Having a spouse who was acting out led me to think I wasn’t good enough. If I was enough, how could he look elsewhere? I simply crumbled. Depression is an understatement. Those were dark days.

In time, I found S-Anon. Going to meetings was the first individual action I had taken in a long time. I had entirely lost myself in the roles of mother, daughter, and wife. I had lost myself in trying to get my husband sober. Really, I had lost myself in many ways. S-Anon helped me reclaim me.

While Tradition Six talks about many other things, it was the first place that I saw the idea of being a “separate entity” — and these two words are invaluable to me. I had been giving others power over me because I didn’t realize I was distinct and important on my own. I was a stranger to myself. I felt really sad about that. I began asking my Higher Power to enable my voice. I prayed to get to know myself again, and for the splintered pieces of my womanhood to be reunited into the person God intended me to be.

As I did the work that the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of Service laid out for me, God helped me to discover and accept myself — my story, my assets, my defects, my sexuality, my parenting, my artistic self, and my sense of humor. These things had been lost to me for so long. As I grew in my autonomy, I could detach more easily and was able to let my spouse be his own person, too. I came to accept both of us as individuals.

Today, I know that I am a separate being. I can choose to cooperate as situations occur, or I can choose to walk away. I can ask myself what I believe, what I feel is right, and what it is that I want to do. I can pray and meditate. I can seek mentorship from others in program who share their decisions and experiences. I can take my time and decide how to participate. I don’t have to lose myself in someone else’s ideas or disease. I am separate. I am enough. I am.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Traditions, pages 78-79.

Letting Go of My Spouse’s Program


 January 8, 2024

“I wonder if I’m really a sexaholic after all,” said my husband one day after a year or so in recovery. “Maybe I really don’t need those meetings and the program.” Panic overwhelmed me, and in my mind’s eye, I could see a dark future – my husband undertaking a series of progressively more risky behaviors, culminating with his going back “out there” to have another affair or two or three, and our marriage in shambles. My first instinct was to marshal the evidence to convince him that indeed he is a sexaholic. I mentally ran through all the events of the past which proved conclusively that he was powerless over his sexual behavior, and I was about to remind him of them in case he had forgotten.

But I too have been in recovery for a year, and I remembered all the times we had talked in meetings about “Letting go and letting God”.  A little inner voice told me this was one of those times. So I bit my tongue and said nothing, just nodded to let him know I had been listening. I hoped he wouldn’t notice my inner turmoil, agitation, and fear.

A little while later my husband said “I’ve been thinking about it and I guess I am a sexaholic after all. I think I’ll go to a meeting tonight”.

What would have happened if I had followed my first instinct and launched a barrage of arguments? Probably he would have felt attacked and would have rushed to defend the position that he was not an addict He would have seen me as controlling. There would have been tension between us. He would have had a stake in maintaining his original position. Instead, because I had kept quiet, he was able to think through the possibility that he was not an addict and to conclude, on his own, that he was. I am sure that this conclusion was more convincing to him than if it had come as a result of my efforts to persuade him.

Just as I have to work my own program, my husband has to work his. When I interfere, or try to make things turn out the way I think they should, I am only impeding the process. When I feel compelled to interfere, I need to examine my own motivation. Am I frightened of abandonment? Am I afraid to trust the program? I need to keep the focus on myself, and trust that my husband, with the help of his Higher Power, will work through the problem without my “help.”

Reprinted from the Summer 1991 issue of The S-Anews©.

Hoping in a Higher Power


 December 25, 2023

The only solution to my fear, my desire to control and my feelings of victimization has been to live one minute at a time and to act as if I trust God, even when I don’t. I look back on all my losses, and even though I see that each one in the end turned out to be best for me, I still feel angry and fearful. But I do know one thing for sure: I am not God. This small amount of humility allows me to know that I do not know what is best for me, or for anyone else. I have seen that things I thought were best were not, and, as a result, I am beginning to see that my self-righteousness is not based on reality. This gives me the hope that God does know what is best for me. I know that I cannot get my partner sober or save our relationship, only God can. I must let go of trying to control, and let God do whatever he is going to do, even if I don’t want to. I don’t know if that is willingness, but it is all I have.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 39.

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