When I first came to S-Anon, I had no understanding of the term “primary purpose” and how I could apply that in many situations to make my life more serene. After my spouse and I both started attending recovery meetings, I had visions of our relation­ship suddenly becoming what I had always hoped it would be. If we went on a trip, for example, I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to “get away together” and “grow closer.” I would become so disappointed when this did not magically happen. My sponsor patiently suggested to me that I might consider the primary purpose of the trip and focus on that. For example, when we took a trip to see our son who lived out of town, she pointed out that the primary purpose was to visit with our son. When we went to the art museum, she reminded me that the primary purpose was to see the museum’s exhibits.

I discovered that when I was able to focus on the primary pur­pose of whatever the trip or activity was, I was able to appreciate it and feel satisfied. When I unrealistically expected the activity to expand beyond its primary purpose to include mending our frac­tured relationship, I was disappointed. My sponsor’s insights on the benefits of clarifying and staying focused on the primary pur­pose have helped me to stay in reality and to enjoy the many good things in my life.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Traditions, pages 63-64.

One of the hallmarks of my unhealthy thinking and behavior is my tendency to not express my opinion. I often go along with another person’s opinion instead of considering what I believe. S-Anon helped me to see that having no opinion does not necessarily relieve me of the responsibility of making a decision. When I do not participate in the decision process, I leave myself open for resentment when things do not turn out my way. Working this program has allowed me to make progress in clearly speaking my opinion and letting Higher Power guide the outcome.

Tradition Two reminds me of the importance of taking the time to have a considered opinion and to express that opinion appropriately. When I practice this, I am actively participating in the group conscience – whether it is in an S-Anon meeting, at work, or with family. I believe that God gave me a unique personality and point of view. When I do not take part in the group conscience, I am not being true to myself and I am not helping the decision-making process. It is as if I cease to exist! S-Anon has shown me that I am a worthy person capable of making a contribution. When I do so, everyone benefits.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 260.

I have heard sexual addiction defined as a disease of the mind, and I believe this is true for those of us in S-Anon as well. As an S-Anon member for over three years, I have been recovering from my addiction to old beliefs and behaviors from my family of origin. The word “slip” has always troubled me when it has been applied to people who have some strong recovery behind them. I interpret the word “slip” to mean an accident. Having practiced the principles of the program for some time, it would be very difficult for me to accidentally “slip” into my old behaviors. I would have to first experience my old delusional thinking, obsessing, and rationalizing before speaking the words or acting out the behavior

I was married when I entered the S-Anon Fellowship three years and five months ago. I have been divorced for two years and am continuing in recovery as a single person. Married or single, I qualify for S-Anon. I am powerless over my obsessive thoughts. Fortunately, through working the program I am not powerless over staying with these thoughts and acting out the old dysfunctional behaviors.

Sobriety in S-Anon is maintained by recognizing the obsessive thinking and then calling on our Higher Power and our support persons before we act out the old behaviors. Sometimes saying the Serenity Prayer and turning it over to our Higher Power is sufficient. Sometimes after turning it over to our Higher Power, we need to make a support call or several support calls. We get into trouble when we try to “tough it out” and do it alone. To maintain sobriety, we need to recognize that we cannot do it alone.

One of the rewards of sobriety is knowing that I will never betray myself again. I recently had closure on a relationship that I was in for about four months. Although I allowed myself to go slow in getting to know this man, I began to see some of the behaviors that I was not willing to tolerate in a relationship. I was able to tell him clearly and directly that I would not be dating him anymore. I was able to stay with my feelings without taking his inventory. He tried to convince me to reconsider but I stood firm and trusted my inner knowing. Although I experienced pain, disappointment, and sadness, I did not experience a disabling depression; I maintained my self-esteem and sense of hope by affirming myself and reaching out for support from my recovering friends.

Maintaining sobriety in S-Anon does not guarantee that I will never get hurt again. It does guarantee that I will never betray myself again.

Reprinted from the Spring 1991 issue of The S-Anews©.

Step 2 says “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

We may not have been addicted to sex or substances, but many of us were addicted to people and situations in our lives, and our addiction was just as serious as the sexaholic’s addiction to lust. Some of us wondered whether the term “insane” really applied to us, but hadn’t we at times acted irrationally within our relationships? Hadn’t we often done the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? Step Two suggested that spiritual growth could keep us from repeating unhealthy patterns of behavior. Some of us did not have a problem reaching out to a Higher Power of our understanding. Those of us who did have trouble with the idea of a Higher Power, put our faith in our S-Anon group, listening for the truth spoken through the people and the principles. Once we admitted that we had been unable to solve our problems alone, we became able to ask a Power greater than ourselves for the help we needed.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 23.

For some of us, having a sense of personal autonomy can be a challenge. Before recovery, we might have been so focused on what others thought of us that we only identified ourselves as part of a couple, part of a group, or part of a family and did not recognize our worth as individuals. Because of the effects upon us of another person’s sex addiction, some of us have given little thought to our own value. As we grow in our understanding of program principles, we come to see that we do matter and have value — this is essential to our recovery. When we can recognize our autonomy, we can better appreciate the importance of good self-care. As we surrender our people-pleasing behavior to our Higher Power, we begin to recognize our inherent worth and growing ability to act on our own behalf.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Traditions, page 56.

For the longest time, I struggled with seeing how God was working in my life and my marriage. I not only felt God owed me something (a godly husband, a healthy marriage, and children), I thought the life I was “entitled to” was being withheld from me. I continually asked God why my husband’s problems were determining the outcome of my life – it just didn’t seem fair.

I now find that I am able to see God’s handy work more clearly. As my knowledge of the principles of the S-Anon program grows, I am able to learn more from those whose experiences are similar to mine. Instead of thinking God is withholding something from me as a punishment, I am learning to accept that life has difficult challenges, and that my life is not exempt. When I feel I am missing out on something, I stop to consider God’s timing and purposes or me. What I have or don’t have may be for my protection, education, or development – or for that of others. I’m learning I can trust God’s care for me.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 37.