I have been a member of S-Anon since 2003. It has been a difficult journey for me living with an active sexaholic not seeking recovery. I have felt guilty because I did not leave him when it seemed any sane person would not choose to live like this. Over the years, I have attended meetings often, worked the Twelve Steps, read my daily readings, prayed for guidance from my Higher Power, and called my sponsor faithfully.
At a critical time when I felt so much guilt over not leaving the sexaholic in my life, my sponsor guided me to make my own decision based upon my own prayer and meditation. She gave me permission to make a decision that I “thought” an intelligent person should not make – and that was to stay with my spouse (a sexaholic who does not practice recovery).
It has not been an easy decision, but I have felt guided by my Higher Power. I often attend services during the week where I hear the words that give me comfort in my trials. I hear my Higher Power tell me that I am doing the best I can. My spouse and I have more good times than bad times, and I use the tools of S-Anon to help me take care of myself. When I feel myself beginning to judge my spouse, I read Conference Approved Literature readings. I see the words that remind me that I can choose to stay with the person who I thought I married –the one who enjoys all the activities that we do together.
Recently there was a crisis and I finally picked up the phone and called another member. While I spoke, this member just listened and let me calm down. I thought “This is it; I really have to leave!” Yet, I still felt unable to make that move and again I experienced guilt over staying with a sexaholic. I became numb. I did not know what to do. Then I started using the program tools. I made calls, I read literature, and I prayed. I finally had a talk with my spouse (something that doesn’t come easy for me), and we cleared the air about some issues that let me feel calmer.
Each week at my meeting we are reminded of the tools of the program. I use those tools and my life becomes more serene. This program works when I work it, and I am glad that I keep coming back.
Reprinted from the Spring 2012 issue of S-Anews©.