In Step Seven we find a way to settle our emotional turmoil and make a move toward God. Only God could remove our obsession with the sexaholic, and only God can remove our defects of character. As we approach Step Seven, most of us have learned to call upon God in times of great need. We really have begun to desire humility, instead of just accepting it as something we “should” want. We have learned we can accomplish more with a humble attitude than we can when we are prideful and fearful. Humility works better not only when we are asking God for help, but also when we are dealing with the people in our lives. Humility allows us to ask for and accept God’s forgiveness. With that forgiveness, our consciences can be at ease. As long as we place genuine reliance upon a Higher power, our humility is at work. If we return to relying on our own strength and intelligence, we are still trying to play God.
Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, page 74.
When I first heard people say in S-Anon meetings that they were focusing on themselves, I thought this sounded like a selfish and self-absorbed fellowship. In my childhood, I was taught that giving to others first was the way to go. Being generous and self-sacrificing was being good. How could focusing on myself be of any good to anyone including me? Working through the Twelve Steps has been an opportunity for me to examine my motives and my relationship with God and others. Through the Twelve Steps and using other tools of the program, I have learned to focus on myself. I saw the truth about harm I had caused others and myself in my noble effort to be helpful. How could trying to be helpful be harmful? That didn’t make much sense to me for a long time. I still sometimes forget.
I found S-Anon was a fellowship that welcomed me and allowed me to collapse in exhaustion and despair. Even in program, I needed to feel helpful, worthwhile, and approved of. What would I do if I couldn’t do for others what they weren’t doing? There was plenty of stuff around that needed to be done. Who’s going to do it? Why not me?
Step Ten continues the recovery process of admission of our wrongs, forgiveness, and restitution that underlie Steps Four through Nine. instead of compulsively focusing on others, we now commit to deliberate self-examination for the purpose of keeping close to God and our fellows and staying on course. This self-focus is not an obsessive drive for perfection or a perpetual dwelling in the past, but rather a basic commitment to honesty and growth. In Step Ten we regularly take stock of our liabilities, looking particularly for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear, as well as for our progress, good choices, successes and gifts for which we can be grateful. We inventory honestly and avoid rationalizing and excessive guilt. We are compassionate with ourselves, acknowledging our own humanity. Step Ten helps us live in the real world, not in denial or fantasy. It gives us permission to admit our mistakes to ourselves and others and to take responsibility for any harm caused by our mistakes.
We find that regular use of Step Ten can make us aware of old behavior and destructive thoughts more quickly. It helps us cultivate the practice of kindness, love, patience, tolerance and understanding, and further develops our connection with the Higher Power of our understanding.
Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, pages 121-122.
As we explored the sources of our problems, the deep roots of our misery became more apparent. We discovered that we were the source of much of the pain for which we had blamed others. We examined our attitudes and behavior in a thorough way for the first time and began to see that the sexaholic wasn’t the only one causing problems in the relationship. We were willing to search out, spend some time and be thorough with ourselves.
An inventory is usually a method of counting items to find what is on hand and what is missing. Step Four is similar, except that we take stock of assets and defects of character. We find that we all have qualities that are positive, some that are negative and some that are still unknown, and as we work Step Four, we shed light upon some aspects of our characters that may have been blocking our spiritual growth.
Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, page 39.
Before I had a name for it, I felt the presence of sexaholism creeping into our homes: less laughter, more criticism, lies, excuses, hostility, no eye contact and, perhaps most painful, the emotional distance in our sexual relations. I felt like I was being used rather than loved. My powerlessness over sexaholism led me to the point of despair, and it was clear I had to take some sort of action to get relief. I decided to read some Conference-Approved Literature one night because I had heard it suggested at an S-Anon meeting as a method of coping with those difficult highs and lows we experience, and I was at my lowest. I picked up Alcoholics Anonymous (the “Big Book”) and began to read it for hope and comfort. I came upon the directions for taking Step Three on page 63. Feeling like I had hit bottom and couldn’t do it on my own anymore, I made a decision to let God into my life – without conditions. I prayed the Third Step prayer with a sincere attitude as it suggested. I was comforted to see that the section on the Third Step concluded with these words: “This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.”
In S-Anon we come to realize that just as we did not cause the sexaholic’s acting out, we cannot “cure” it either. We learn that it is not our responsibility to keep the sexaholic sexually sober. Instead, it is our job to manage our own lives, whether or not the sexaholic chooses sobriety.
It helped to learn that the sexaholic is suffering from a spiritual and emotional illness, and it helped to learn that we can lovingly detach from that illness. Most of all, it helped to learn that we, too, are suffering from an illness, one that can drive us to unconsciously seek out rejection, victimization, and heartache.
We slowly started to come out of our denial and isolation, and we were able to admit that there was something wrong in our homes and our relationships. We could no longer try to right those wrongs ourselves, so we came for help. Only through this utter surrender do we find strength. Our human will power cannot break the bonds of compulsive behavior, but our admission of powerlessness lays a firm foundation upon which to build our lives.
Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, page 2.
Working the Twelve Steps has become a way of life for me. I carry their simple, yet profound wisdom in my heart and in my head every day. Every morning, no matter how hectic, I take as much time as I possibly can to center myself for the day. Some days I have only a few minutes and some days I may have two hours to read from books of recovery, pray, and quietly sit in meditation. On days that I may only have a few minutes, I silently say the Serenity Prayer and choose one Step that I feel will help me the most during the day. If I don’t have an immediate feel for how my day will progress, I use the Step that correlates to the current month. I try to insert that Step into my day wherever possible. It always amazes me that there are always situations, thoughts, or feelings during any given day where my Step of the Day can be used. I find there is a need for me to use all twelve of the Steps in some way every day. By focusing daily on just one of the Twelve Steps, their meaning and their effectiveness on the quality of my daily life is made clearer to me.