Hoping in a Higher Power


 December 25, 2023

The only solution to my fear, my desire to control and my feelings of victimization has been to live one minute at a time and to act as if I trust God, even when I don’t. I look back on all my losses, and even though I see that each one in the end turned out to be best for me, I still feel angry and fearful. But I do know one thing for sure: I am not God. This small amount of humility allows me to know that I do not know what is best for me, or for anyone else. I have seen that things I thought were best were not, and, as a result, I am beginning to see that my self-righteousness is not based on reality. This gives me the hope that God does know what is best for me. I know that I cannot get my partner sober or save our relationship, only God can. I must let go of trying to control, and let God do whatever he is going to do, even if I don’t want to. I don’t know if that is willingness, but it is all I have.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 39.

Love and Acceptance – Just As I Am


 December 11, 2023

When I was about halfway through my Fourth Step inventory, I made a date with my sponsor to do the sharing with “another human being” part of my Fifth Step.  Since she lived in a distant city, this date coincided with the next time my husband and I were scheduled to be there for business. I continued to work on my inventory as the deadline approached.

I finally completed my Fourth Step the night before leaving to see her. I was ecstatic to have the burden lifted. At the same time I was filled with fearful obsession over what I imagined was to come. I had dared to be completely honest in my Fourth Step, writing down things i had never told another person. I was afraid of sharing certain shameful parts of the inventory with her, even though she had never given me any reason to be afraid.

On the plane ride there, I started feeling sick. At first I thought it was just the physical manifestation of my fear, but before long it became clear that I was really sick with the flu. I couldn’t believe it — I had worked so hard to be ready and now this! I knew it would be months before I could see my sponsor again, and I wanted to do the Fifth Step in person, so we forged ahead.

In my weakened physical condition, I did not have the energy to do my usual routine of “putting the best face on things.” Instead I bared my soul — truly for the first time. I was amazed. My sponsor accepted me just as I was, at my very worst. Her nurturing support gave me the courage to go on, particularly as the shameful items moved closer and closer to the top of my sharing list. I couldn’t believe it when she didn’t bat an eye at the stuff I had been so afraid to reveal. She just nodded her head in support. When I was done sharing, she suggested that some of the shame I had been walking around with was not really mine to carry. As for the rest of the defects, she smiled and said I was “a pretty average S-Anon.” She also validated my strengths and even came up with some I had never considered.

I felt relieved and even proud — I had completed this part of the Fifth Step. While I do not recommend the “flu method,” it certainly was a blessing to me. It shattered the remaining layer of emotional isolation that was so characteristic of me previously. More importantly, my willingness to finally get honest and my sponsor’s acceptance was a springboard for my own self-acceptance and for my belief that my Higher Power accepts me just as I am. The experience seemed to melt my fear about opening up with God. When I did share the truth about myself with my Higher Power, I finally started to have a real relationship with God. It was a turning point in my recovery.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Steps, pages 54-55.

Finding Help


 November 27, 2023

When I heard “keep coming back” at the end of meetings, I felt the tug to come back even though I felt discouraged with my situation. I came back (trudged back) and found help and friendship. Now I am aware that I need these meetings and need to continue to hear the other group members’ experience.

Reprinted from Working the S-Anon Program, 2nd Edition, page 4.

 

I Like What I See


 November 14, 2023

Before coming to S-Anon, I couldn’t understand how I ended up in a relationship where lies, deception, and betrayal were common. I could barely look at myself in the mirror without feeling shame and humiliation. I felt resentful toward my husband for putting my health and life at risk, and for spending a large portion of our earnings on prostitution and pornography; yet I put up with it.

Why did I put up with it? Was I clinging to a fantasy of what the relationship could be through denying reality? Was I fearful of the unknown or of being alone? Was I afraid of change?

Coming to S-Anon and hearing the stories of others helped me acknowledge reality – I was powerless over how I was living and my life was truly unmanageable. Through sharing with others and listening, I found strength and faith in a Higher Power. I came to understand that I could not change the sexaholic, but I could learn to see reality, detach, and make healthy changes for myself.

It wasn’t easy. There were many times I thought my life would not get better. The Gifts of the S-Anon Program are slowly coming true in my life. I can look at myself in the mirror today… and I like what I see.

Reprinted from S-Anon’s Reflections of Hope, page 115.

Balance in Unity and Freedom


 October 23, 2023

I have spent a great deal of time either being too focused on unity or acting with too much independence. My S-Anon problem manifested itself in both ways. In unbalanced unity, I abandoned myself for the benefit of another or for a group. In unbalanced independence, I isolated and became so self-reliant that I ignored the needs of others. I have learned from Tradition Four that I can be true to myself without cutting myself off from others.

I often chose to become entirely autonomous. I frequently thought that others were either with me or against me. I took someone else’s decision personally, especially if it was the opposite of what I wanted. Then I was either angry and upset or terrified and lonely. None of those feelings was a healthy basis on which to make a decision or take action. This is where I can turn to Tradition Four for guidance.

How many times have my actions or inactions negatively affected others? Far more often than I would like. How many times have I invited my Higher Power to guide my actions? Not often enough. Since coming to S-Anon, I am able to get spiritual guidance by going to God first and asking for help with my decisions and actions.

Tradition Four, like the other Traditions, is a powerful tool. It teaches me about the delicate balance between unity and freedom. I experience peace of mind and release from the bondage of self when I act on my own behalf without harming others.

Reprinted from S-Anon Twelve Traditions, pages 50-51.

Forgiveness


 October 8, 2023

“My husband/wife says they’re sorry, but how can I ever forgive them after what they did to me?” “I’ll never forgive my parents!” “Why should I forgive him? He still doesn’t admit he did anything wrong!” Other members of S-Anon have expressed these sentiments, and many of us have felt them ourselves. Why should we forgive? Does forgiving mean forgetting?

I met a woman whose husband had left her for another woman seven years previously. He was now remarried, and she had not seen him in years. But when she spoke about her pain and anger, it was as though the betrayal had occurred yesterday. She seemed to be stuck in a time warp. Because she had not let go of the past and forgiven her husband, she had been unable to move past her negative emotions and to get on with her life. Her ex-husband was still the focus of her inner life. She had continued to give him free rent in her head all these years.

It is easier to forgive another person when that person wants forgiveness. But even if they are dead, or remarried, or still acting out, we still need to forgive them. The reason is that we forgive them in order to have serenity in our own life. Forgiveness is being able to remember the past without experiencing the pain all over again. When we have forgiven someone, we can think about that person and what they did to us without losing our serenity. Without forgiveness, there is no peace of mind.

Forgiveness does not imply a willingness to continue tolerating the problem behavior. We may need to tell a partner, “I forgive you for what you did in the past, but I am unwilling to continue tolerating the same behavior in the future.” We may need to distance ourselves from the other person before we can forgive them. We may have forgiven our parents for childhood abuse but recognize that at our current stage of recovery it is best if we not visit them. We can pray that our Higher Power will make it possible someday to restore the relationship,

Forgiving is not excusing. Just because we may understand why someone else hurt us (“My father himself was abused as a child,” “My husband was under a lot of stress,” “My wife was lonely – I wasn’t home enough”) does not make the pain any less real, When we say, “There is nothing to forgive” we are denying the validity of our own experience. Before we can forgive, we must first acknowledge that a wrong was done to us, and we must allow ourselves to experience the pain it caused us and the anger that we still feel towards the person who caused itÍ. Only afterwards do we attempt to understand the other person’s motives.

The Twelve Promises tell us that “we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, we will comprehend the word Serenity, and we will know Peace.” When we forgive, we open the door to the fulfillment of these promises.

Reprinted from the 199o Fall issue of S-Anews©.

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