"The Gifts of the Program"

Members share some of the gifts they have received from the S-Anon program.

• Ability to give and receive love.  Looking back on my younger years I see that I had limited genuine relationships and I rarely connected with people in a deep or honest way.  I tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be.  Now I see that I didn’t give real love, nor did I receive love as I was attracted to people who didn’t have love to give away.  Oddly, I felt uncomfortable when I was treated lovingly or when I was offered a kind hand, and I wasn’t able to let people in.  I questioned their motives and thought that they must see me as weak or needy.  It was hard for me to receive or feel worthy of love.

  Now, when the Gifts of the Program are read I pause where it says “our ability to give and receive love will expand tremendously and we will become increasingly available for loving relationships with others.”  With the love and acceptance offered to me in these meetings I have been given and have received much love. I continue to grow and become more myself.  I am not only available for loving relationships, I am grateful to have a life filled with loving relationships where all involved give and receive love.

  My Higher Power speaks to me and heals my heart through the loving relationships with others in S-Anon.  By their willingness to honestly share their experience, strength and hope I am inspired to fully engage in my own recovery.  What a tremendously loving thing for us to give away what has been given to us! Each of us continues to benefit and to pass along The Gifts to the newcomer, expanding our ability to give and receive love

• We explore the wonders of serenity, dignity and emotional growth.  I felt distance from my spouse but he denied any problems. I was hurt and taken by surprise when my sexaholic husband filed for divorce.  My grief is overwhelming.  I feel I have been hit by lightning, my nerves jangled and energy sapped.  I’m having difficulty sleeping, eating and concentrating at work. I am vulnerable to an S-Anon relapse, big time. 

  There are reminders everywhere of the life we had together.  Just today I passed the apartment where he lived when we first met and where we first kissed. Over there is the avenue we strolled together, and on it goes. 

  I was eating at a fast food restaurant with a colleague when my spouse called me on the phone to tell me he filed for a divorce.  A fellow S-Anon gave me a very wise piece of advice I would like to share.  She said “I don’t attach sentimental meaning to places and things.”  I realized that I couldn’t let myself attach too much meaning to places and things and stay sober. 

  Today I deliberately returned to the fast food restaurant with the same colleague. My first thought was to avoid it and forever remember “That’s where I got the dreaded news.”  I made a choice not to attach such meanings to a place and limit myself from going anywhere and doing anything.   So we went. It was hard but we also had a good talk some laughter, and a new memory is already writing over the bad one. 

  Today I will take the same attitude with home furnishings. It’s just stuff.  Sure, I have memories attached to those things but I’ll grieve the loss of relationship and remember the rest is just stuff.  My loss is the relationship, and not about stuff or places. I insist on being free to go anywhere, to keep anything, to do anything.  My pain is lessened when I don’t attach loss to objects or places.  I keep custody of my attitudes and outlook.  I live the serenity prayer one day at a time.

• Courage to be true to myself.  I came to the rooms of S-Anon not knowing what I wanted or needed for myself, but I thought I knew what my husband, my family, my boss and coworkers wanted, needed, liked, disliked, should and should not do.  I spent enormous energy trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be, and then even more energy shaping myself into a pretzel to conform.  I didn’t have a clue who I was until I started to work the steps; writing and having the courage to face me.  Now I know who I am; what I value, what my beliefs are, what is acceptable to me, where my boundaries are, what situations I thrive in, and what relationships I will invest in. 

  Knowing myself gives me the courage to be true to myself, to live my life in line with who I am.  Now I have a framework in which to make decisions and I know that the decisions I make are the right ones for me.  This knowledge gives me the courage to do the things to be true to myself. The more I know me the more courage I have to be myself.  I like the woman I am becoming and I am inspired by others who share in my meetings; they enhance my courage to be true to myself.  A friend of mine has a plaque that reads: “When I grow up I want to be me.”  A simple statement that once was an awful thought to me is now something I aspire to, I want to be me

• We will find that others are doing things for themselves which we thought we had to do for them.  This gift of the S-Anon Program rang true for me at our annual Midwest S-Anon Retreat this past weekend.  I co-chaired the weekend, and I was concerned that I might not get what I needed because I would be doing service.  I was concerned that I would have so much responsibility that I would not be able to relax.  By the end of the evening on Friday, I could already put my concern aside.  Everyone was taking care of themselves!

  Growing up, I was an over-responsible child.  In my marriage to a sexaholic I felt more like a parent to my spouse instead of an equal partner.  S-Anon has taught me that everything turns out best when we function as a fellowship of equals.  Yes, it was necessary for two of us to step forward and chair the retreat, but it was obvious that Concept Four was put into action: Participation is the key to harmony.  Everyone came forward to do some type of service work, and we were definitely working in harmony. To illustrate this even further, the electrical power went out at the retreat center Saturday evening and it didn’t go back on until Sunday morning. I didn’t notice that anyone’s serenity was disturbed by this. I have so much gratitude for my S-Anon family. The retreat was a beautiful example of “gratitude in action.”

• We will recover the feeling of joy.  When the gifts of the program are read aloud I am amazed to find myself nodding as each sentence rolls out…and then I hear “We will recover the feeling of joy.”  I slow here and ponder this gift. My mind instantaneously recalls the many past years that lacked joy and were marked by suffering and unmanageability.  What a promise I hear in that gift; the first portion, “We will,” tells me it will happen, it is a matter of fact, the proclaiming of a truth coming, a promise.  Then the words “recover the feeling of joy:” to experience joy once again as I once experienced it; to have joy reinstated in my life.  I picture this gift as a process, just as my own recovery from the effects of sexaholism is a process.

  I wonder; have I recovered the feeling of joy?  Am I open to feelings of joy?  Or do I feel embarrassed to express joy, or limit my joyful feelings in fearful waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Do I belly laugh out loud when joy strikes me or do I muffle and try to lessen or suppress it, worried about what others’ might think?  Do I allow myself to delight in the little things that amuse my heart?  Am I present in the moment to be able to see the joys of my life as they happen, or am I stuck in the past, or worrying about the future?

  The words “will recover” reminds me that recovery is a journey and not a destination, there is no “Welcome to Joy” sign at the end of this road.  As I invest in this new way of life, I grow into the person I am becoming and I am able to be more true to myself.  The more I am true to myself the freer I am to cherish the joys of my life. God, help me to embrace my feelings of joy and accept the sweet spiritual gifts that You offer to me; may I appreciate each moment that You place me in.

• We will find the courage to be true to ourselves.  When I first came to S-Anon, I wasn’t myself, although I couldn’t have told you that then.  At that time, I was whatever you wanted me to be, whatever you needed me to be.  I remember constantly attuning myself to the other person and withholding anything that I thought would be angering or displeasing.  In short, I didn’t have a self.

  This program has provided me with a map on the journey back to myself—back to the person God created me to be.  I sobbed in meetings and was comforted rather than shamed; I learned I could have my feelings and they were okay and a part of me that was good.  I shared my experiences, my feelings, my embarrassments and my joys with my sponsor through doing Step work.  I was accepted and affirmed as I was and relieved of shame that wasn’t mine to carry.  Through that I learned what the unconditional love and grace of my Higher Power was like. 

  Through service work I gained an honest appreciation for my talents and abilities and I learned how to apply the principles I was learning in this program, “test driving” them in a safe environment before taking them out on the road of real life.  I learned that I could indeed employ my skills.  I learned those skills had value and that I had value—just as I was.  From learning about the Traditions, I gained another set of tools about how to interact with others in a way that is respectful of others and me.  Learning to stand up for the Traditions in meetings helped me learn to stand up for myself, and I discovered that I wouldn’t crumple and the world wouldn’t end.

  These are just some of the ways (there are many others) that S-Anon has helped me find the courage to be true to myself.  Thank you, God, for the gift of this program.