"The Gifts of the Program"

Members share some of the gifts they have received from the S-Anon program.

• In our readings I hear about the disease of sexaholism, how I have been affected by that disease, and that I have my own disease.  I find that by using the tools of the program I can experience a measure of healing.  One of the tools is meetings.  At meetings I hear others share their experience, strength and hope.  Over time as I take in what others share I receive help, hope and healing, and have my own experience, strength and hope to share with others.  A good analogy for this is the smallpox vaccine.  The original serum was made from the blood of someone who had small pox and survived.  That experience shared with others brought healing.

• The Gifts of the S-Anon Program are read at the end of our Thursday night S-Anon meeting.  We haven't said it aloud, and it's certainly not a rule, but the person in the group who is struggling the most is usually offered the Gifts as the final reading, along with the Promises.  I notice that we do this quite naturally and lovingly.

We offer to each other the opportunity to heal with the balm of reading the Gifts.  Many of us close our eyes and listen to the words of the Gifts as they are read; allowing the balm to spread into our souls.  Each line reminds me that I believe that my Higher Power manifests these gifts in my life when I work the program. 

One by one I hear the lines and I think of a time and a place where I have experienced each Gift.  I consider the week that has passed and note what changes I felt in myself that lets me know I am receiving the gifts.  For instance, I recall that I had victory over my anxiety during a doctor's visit and I feel that this gift has come true:  "We will know peace of mind and feel a stronger connection with the Higher Power of our understanding….” 

Looking back, I recall a time during the week when I allowed a friend or loved one the dignity of making their own choices, mistaken or not, without me offering shame, blame or a fix.  Then I realize that another Gift has come true:  "We will find that others are doing things for themselves which we thought we had to do for them." 

It may not be the way I would do it, but it is not mine to say.  I can connect the changes in my heart, to the changes in my behavior and then I can see that all the Gifts have come true in one way or another over the past week. 

 

• I grew up in a family where no one spoke about anything unpleasant.  If we didn't speak about it--then, it probably wasn't really happening.  Nice girls didn't get angry.  Nice girls were seen and not heard.  Silence was respected.  As much as I was uncomfortable with this, I carried this forward into my marriage and my relationship with my own children.

When this disease surfaced, I became the loudest, angriest person around.   In meetings I came to understand and use the principles and tools of the S-Anon program.  I was able to use my voice and my anger to express myself appropriately.  I also had the courage to set boundaries which gave me the safety I needed. 

On looking back, I see that like a lot of things in my program, I needed to find balance.  I went from the extreme of silence to the extreme loudest of voices. 

I am so grateful to have discovered the balance and for the opportunity to learn to express myself comfortably.  In fact, my son recently hugged me and said "Mom, you are a regular 'chatty cathy'."  The old “me” would have taken that as criticism, but today I smile and enjoy it as a compliment!

 

• My Gratitude list for today.  Today my Higher Power releases me from the overwhelming fears and insecurities which used to accompany my obsessive thoughts of despair and doom in the beginning of my recovery process.  Over the years I have been restored to sanity.  I am restored to a feeling of inner peace and connectedness “one day at a time.”  I no longer need to feel shame and anger about another person’s actions.  This is lifted as I accept the concept that I have a disease and with the understanding that comes in knowing that others are not my responsibility. Amazingly, I gain a sense of self worth as I focus on what I can do each day to be of service to my Higher Power and to “let go and let God” do for others what I thought was my job.  I tried to control others and tried to turn outcomes into what I think is “best.” Now I have a daily reprieve as I practice the principles. I understand that the Gifts of the Program are there if I am willing to work with the tools and soil in my life, plant the seeds of recovery inside me, tend to my garden of recovery and stay open to the fruits of my service to my Higher Power.

• "When we approach the process of recovery with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to apply the principles of the Twelve Steps to our lives, we begin to see rewards."  To me, the biggest part of this statement is to be honest with myself, have open mindedness to admit my part, and then the willingness to do whatever it takes to recover.

"We will become able to surrender our self defeating behavior."  Self defeating behavior for me looks like: wondering and searching for proof of my husband’s acting out, isolating, or thinking that I am different from everyone else.

"We will find that we have the strength and insight to make good choices for ourselves."  I used to worry and try to plan for things, but now I know that I can face a situation with the ability to decide how to handle it or to respond instinctually (not react).  I now know that I have choices, and I know the difference between reacting and responding.

"Our ability to act positively on behalf of or health, families, jobs and bank accounts will amaze us.  " Once my mind was off of my husband's sexaholism and out of denial, my mind energy was freed to work on the rest of my life and I find that all of it has been positive.  I started to do the next right thing rather than let the sexaholism or "whatever's wrong" keep me down.

"We will find others are doing things for themselves which we thought we had to do for them."  I used to do things for loved ones and end up resenting it because I did not really want to do it.  I was looking for something in return.  When I did not get that something in return, I resented whatever it was that I had done for the loved ones. When I joined program, I stopped doing for others.  It felt selfish at first, but I heard from others that the resentment was selfish and expecting something in return was selfish.  So, I took a break from doing, doing, doing. I now have the ability to ask myself "Do I really want to do this, or am I looking for something in return?  What is my true motivation?" 

"Our ability to give and receive love will expand tremendously."  For me, this means that instead of constant turmoil, and constant fighting, I can accept love.  I can also give it more freely because I feel less like a victim.  I have compassion.

"We will become increasingly available for loving relationships with others."  I know that I’ve become lighter in my personality and more welcoming to people.  I used to be so serious all the time.  Something was wrong and I could not figure out what.  Program has helped me out of my denial and helped me to lighten up a bit.  I let in loving relationships rather than block them out for fear of getting hurt.

"We will recover the feeling of joy."  I don’t remember if I ever had the true sense of joy.  Maybe when I was a little kid.... But I grew up so fast in an addict household, and became so serious.  I had brief moments of happiness/joy, but it never lasted.  Program, connecting with my HP, knowing that I am o.k. and that I have a little light that never goes away has helped me to have a lasting sense of joy that never fades away.  There are tough times, but it does not take away this sense that I am o.k.  I have joy because I have a connection with my higher power.  I never knew how to do that before Program.

• A new definition of friendship for me is a quotation from the Gifts of the S-Anon Program reading.  “We will feel the security that arises from true fellowship with others in the program, knowing that we are loved and accepted just as we are.”  I have true fellowship with my S-Anon friends and I am loved and accepted just as I am.  What a gift, what a joy!  I feel security with others!  My relationships are not dependent on my ability to do or be what the other person wants me to do or be; it is dependent on my ability to be myself!  I can come out of hiding and wear the colors, styles, and accessories that reflect my sense of self.  I no longer hide, use dullness, or change personality traits that the sexaholic(s) in my life do not like.  I receive complements from my friends in the program who enjoy my expressions and who celebrate my emergence.  I have friends that know my colorful, bright self!