"The Gifts of the Program"

Members share some of the gifts they have received from the S-Anon program.

• We will find that we have the strength and insight to make good choices for ourselves…  When I came to S-Anon, I felt my whole life was a result of bad decisions.  I’d never learned to take care of myself, let alone see that I had some choice in the matter.  I certainly didn’t get here with any “strength” and “insight” of my own, so I borrowed some from my group.  I took their suggestion and started taking small risks instead of trying to figure it all out at once.  My first baby steps were tentative and seemed so hard:  I began to stop reacting to negative criticism, to stop my efforts at “convincing,” to state my preferences, to buy certain foods that I alone liked.  And, Hey!  The sun didn’t drop from the sky!  I was feeling better!  The results of these small risk-takings gave me valuable faith in my Higher Power and courage to risk more. 

The stronger and healthier I got, the more I was automatically choosing what was good for me and taking (finally) an active role in my own life.  Do I always make good choices for myself?  No.  But I live and I learn.  In times of confusion, I pray for God to put my feet on the right path that day and to help me listen.  I wait.  I talk to others.  I make a plan and commence carrying it out, knowing I can change my mind or that God may have something different in store.  Thanks to the many hands and hearts of my sisters in S-Anon, I am supported and encouraged to trust the voice inside me that gets stronger the longer I’m recovering. 

• Our ability to act positively on behalf of our health, jobs, families, and bank accounts will amaze us…  I am grateful for the growth I have experienced in recovery, while remaining married and working through many challenges with my sexaholic partner.  I have learned to take much better care of my health by creating boundaries and speaking up when something feels uncomfortable. I have established a closer relationship with my Higher Power, and as a result have come to value myself more.  I used to let others run my life and my happiness was connected to how they felt.   Through counseling and this program I slowly broke through my denial and came to understand what I could change about myself.  Today I easily reach out when I am feeling troubled. The Steps of the program and working with my sponsors helped me to appreciate myself more as I grew emotionally and spiritually.  As a result, my confidence in my abilities and my desire to be self-supporting grew; I am gradually improving my income as I keep a healthy balance of work and play. 

Applying the principles of this program to my family has been my biggest challenge of all.  My family was deeply affected by my husband’s sexual addiction and my reactions to his sexaholic behavior.  As a consequence we have missed many family occasions over the years. Although we are not the “Cleaver Family”, I continue to show my love and support of my family in a healthy way.  Through these losses, I have come to know the meaning of surrender and acceptance.  I once was guilt-ridden for how I contributed to the problem. I have had my anger and remorse, but through it all S-Anon and counseling kept bringing me to a healthier place.  Today I no longer want to rob myself of the joy in each new day. I have finally come to a place of peace within myself knowing there has been progress for both my husband and myself.  There have been many times when I have “slipped” with my spouse and my daughters.  These slips have motivated me to grow and to continue to work the program.

This Thanksgiving I took a vacation with my husband.  I came home refreshed, and both my daughters commented on how good I sounded. I think they were a little surprised.   I no longer have to feel sorry for myself or for them.  I was happy to be in Florida enjoying some beautiful weather.  I was happy to share my adventures with them and I know they felt my change in attitude.

• We will find that others are doing things for themselves which we thought we had to do for them…    I used to burn myself out keeping my husband’s and my family’s life in order.  Micromanaging was my way of controlling things and assuring that everything would be done and all would be OK.  But by doing this I only enabled others, and as a consequence my own life became unmanageable.  Through my work in the S-Anon program I’ve learned that the only person I’m responsible for is myself.  I’ve also learned to let go of how I think a job “should” be done or how someone “should” live their life.  It’s amazing what my husband can accomplish by way of household chores when I get out of this way! 

• We will recovery the feeling of joy…  When I first came to S-Anon I had suffered from years of obsessing and worrying.  My days were filled with false smiles and forced laughter for those in the “outside” world.  At home my sexaholic spouse and I would be comfortable together in between his periods of acting out, but when we were apart I was constantly wondering what he was doing.  If someone were to ask me how things were I would have said fine, but on the inside I was a mess.  After some friends confronted me about my spouse’s behavior I felt at rock bottom; at about the same time a therapist told me about S-Anon.

I entered the meeting that first day and checked everyone’s left hand.  I couldn’t fathom leaving my marriage, and if that’s what S-Anon was about then I was out of there.  After everyone passed that test I began to notice how calm and even happy they all were.  I kept coming back and learned so much about myself, including what true joy felt like.  I know that joy is not possible 24/7, but I’ve learned to appreciate every moment of it.  My journey has also taught me that there is joy in knowing that rough times will pass and in working my program the scale is tipped in the favor of joy on a daily basis.

 

• We will find the courage to be true to ourselves…  I have spent a great deal of my life living in “what-ifs” and being sensitive to “what others might think.”  Recovery has allowed me to move away from “future walking” and my fantasies of how I think others are responding to me.  I have made choices in recovery that have had painful social consequences but were the absolute right choices for me.  I have also made choices that opened my world wonderfully.  At this most recent S-Anon retreat I laughed and sang and enjoyed myself regardless of how others might perceive me or what they might think.  Laughter and joy, denied in my pain and disease, are a true loved and welcomed part of my self and being.  Ultimately, when I am true to myself the air is easier to breathe, jokes are funnier, and my spirit is lighter.  This is a true gift of recovery.