|
In my early recovery hearing those four words read could
ruin a whole meeting for me. They refreshed my memory and
pain of the sexaholic’s actions and that felt hurtful, in
the very place I was seeking refuge from the effects of
sexaholism. I felt upset that this fellowship had taken the
12 Steps from AA whole and seemingly without thinking how
those words could cause pain for an S-Anon. I voiced my
displeasure and opposition in the meeting and more so after
the meetings. The other group members listened and seemed
to understand and empathize with my pain but they did not
withdraw or change the wording of the Step as I had hoped.
They kept right on reading them as written. What was worse,
my meeting had the habit of passing the Steps with each
person reading one Step. In some seemingly twisted
coincidence, the 12th Step that carried those offensive
words seemed to end up in my hand to read in the go-around.
That would really burn me up. This went on for weeks that
stretched into months. One of the people my husband acted
out with had a name similar to mine. In S-Anon couples
meetings we would introduce ourselves. It would sometimes
happen that people would remember my name wrong and call me
by the other woman’s name right in an S-Anon couples
meeting.
Later in my recovery my husband relapsed. As part of my
discovery of what he had done, he shared that some of the
people he had acted out with were of his same gender and
others were women of another race. I asked if he
preferred the other race to mine. He said “no, they just
happen to be the people that are running those places.” I
didn’t believe him. I felt powerless and lacking control to
change my race and compete for his affections. I sometimes
resented seeing people of that race for reminding me of my
loss, pain and powerlessness and wondered if they had been
with my spouse too.
This new struggle I was having with race went against
every belief about racism that I had. I began to dislike
myself for having these struggles and my self esteem began
to drop. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I tried
to avoid confrontation with my dilemma. I would not go to
restaurants run by people of particular race, then avoided
those parts of town predominantly populated by that race, as
being there would remind me of my husband’s betrayal. It
brought me to tears, and bitterness that I was tempted
towards ugliness in the form of racial prejudice that was
reprehensible to me. Those hurts challenged my capacity for
being loving and my commitment to recovery.
When my husband preferred men to being with me I
struggled with doubts about my attractiveness and again felt
no means of competing. I felt at a loss to handle the
insult to my value as a woman. But my dilemma was really my
competitive attitude and looking to others to provide me
with a sense of identity.
I resented the very name of the credit card my spouse had
used as if it was a guilty accomplice for sending a monthly
bill/reminder of what had done. This was another reminder
of the effects of sexaholism. I wondered to myself, will I
get a fresh resentment every month until this bill is paid
off? That would be a lot of anger and resentment coming my
way.
I could continue to write about the many people/names
(even a name could trigger my disease), places and things
that popped up to threaten my security. I wanted to change
them, but I learned that with God’s help I had to change me
and my attitudes instead. I came to understand that I could
not find serenity by trying to control anyone or anything
other than my own attitudes and outlook. The story on
acceptance in the AA Big Book taught me that. From the
Eight Step prayer in our S-Anon book (see page 89 of S-Anon
Twelve Steps) I learned how to practice that important
change inside which began with my decision to forgive and be
loving whatever the cost.
Every time I see a person from that race and feel the
same sting, I pray for the women who were with my husband,
as I practice S-Anon’s Step Eight. After some time, I can
honestly say that I mean it when I pray for them; the prayer
is no longer just words. Now it doesn’t hurt most times
when I see members of that race and when it does I can thank
them silently for my new attitude and for giving me such an
active prayer life.
I got off easy with the credit card. I never mentioned to
my spouse how it hurt, and how I struggled with the credit
card name when the bill came. But, I was happy when he
transferred the balance to another company. I can work at
my program but I won’t turn down a free pass to freedom
either.
Lastly, I can now read the 12 Steps and smile. Those
four words don’t hurt anymore. My group knows this and
those who were present in the early days of my protest and
consternation over the word “affairs” think it is funny now
when I end up reading Step 12 in the go-around. Funny,
because it’s the same word but now such a different state of
affairs!
|
