"Trust"

• Trust is a big issue for me, whether trusting my Higher Power, my spouse, others, or myself.  I don't think I even realized how much I didn't trust until finding out about my husband's sexaholism.  Looking back, I see how I could have trusted my feelings when I thought something was wrong in my marriage.  Instead I thought I was going crazy.  I felt shame for doubting, and that it must be me who was wrong.  Trusting my feelings at that time of my life would have meant I was right about certain things that I didn't really want to be right about.
  
  Even though it was painful, I remember feeling such a relief after discovery of my husband's sexaholism.  I wasn't crazy.  I had been right about things.  I could trust my instincts.  Sometimes it's easy for me to jump back into denial, wishing things weren't as they are, but I have learned to take those issues to my Higher Power and ask for truth. 
  
  Trusting is letting go of my unhealthy need to control what is going on around me.  Trusting is letting go of my will and allowing my Higher Power's will to be done.  Through recovery I have gained a much better understanding of my role and the role of my Higher Power.  I see now that I never really allowed myself to trust that HE would take care of me, or of others around me for that matter.  I tried to do so much myself.  In reality I see that I have delayed my Higher Power's will by always jumping in to save the day.  Even if I thought my motives were pure, I see that I didn't trust.
  
  I have learned enough through recovery to know that I can trust my feelings when I think something is not right.  I can trust my Higher Power to know what is best for me, and for those around me.  I can trust that if my husband is not being honest with me...that my Higher Power will let that be known to me when the time is right.  I can trust that keeping the focus on my recovery allows me to move forward.  These are things that I have to work on one day at a time.

   

• It was difficult for me to trust myself before recovery.  I believe that is one of the reasons I needed to know all "the facts", because I couldn't trust my heart.  I thought that if I could "prove" that a particular feeling was real based on facts, I could prove I wasn't crazy. Prior to recovery, I believed what I was told, including all the rationalizations and excuses.  Believing these caused me to feel crazy.  It took a great deal of risk and faith on my part to begin to trust myself.  I believe now that I can trust my Higher Power and myself, and with that joint trust I can stay safe and choose happiness and serenity.

  In recovery, I have had several experiences when I thought something unhealthy was going on, or I had a bad feeling about something.  I choose to trust these thoughts and feelings and act responsibly upon them.  I do not put a lot of stock in whether I am right or wrong, but simply honor the feelings.  In these situations I have not always made the healthiest choices, but I have always felt a healing come from honoring my feelings and myself.  It is no longer as important to me if I am right or wrong, but it is very important that I act in a responsible fashion and treat others and myself in a respectful way.

   

• I'd like to talk about trusting myself.  This is something that has really been on my mind over the past few weeks.  I announced my decision to separate from my spouse in early April.  Since that time, he has been fighting this in several ways - lots of voice mails, e-mails, and late night confrontations.  He keeps asking for another chance, accusing me of giving up, and claiming that I don't love him and never did love him.  In the past two years, these actions have always worked for him - after enough begging, accusing, etc. I always relented and agreed to try again.  It was easy for me to give in because, ultimately, I wanted my marriage to succeed.  I wanted him and me to recover and get on with our lives together.  

  I still love him and hope that he and I both recover, and I still wish that I could spend the rest of my life with him.  Those are my wishes.  But, that's not my reality.  He's not recovering, and I already know that I am unable to live my life with an active addict.
  
  In his accusations and confrontations, he has said many things that previously would have caused me to doubt my motives, my worth, and my memory of past actions and recovery attempts.  As usual, he has made lots of promises to change.  It has not been easy to hold firm to my decision.  Because, again, my will is to stay in the marriage and recover together.  So, my ability to trust myself has been sorely tested, on a daily basis, for the past 4-5 weeks.  Somehow, though, throughout the pain and discomfort of this current situation, I have learned to do just that - trust myself.
  
  I have learned how to listen to his arguments, complaints, accusations, and pleading, and to hear it all without reacting to it.  I then separate out the real, valid information from what seems to be his addict raving at me and his expression of pain at the loss of our marriage.  Once I separate the real from the unreal, I am able to concentrate on the real and compare it to what I know.
  
  The things he said that I know to be true are generally the result of the work that I have done in this program.  Working my First Step made it clear to me exactly how I had responded to his actions in the past.  As he made accusations about our shared past, I was able to recall what I knew had actually happened, and not be led astray by his crazy-making behavior as in the past.  Researching and understanding my family of origin issues helped me see that I’m not a bad person to have responded the way that I used to.  I know now I was simply being human and trying to stop my pain, and this does not contradict that my love for him was true.  The peace and serenity that I am gaining, everyday, from living my Second and Third Steps allowed me to sit and listen to him, without reacting, without responding in kind, and without feeling anger towards him.  I know that only my higher power, and not the sexaholic, can tell me that I am making a mistake by pursuing this separation.  The Fourth and Fifth Steps that I am currently working help remind me what my true defects of character are, as well as my positive characteristics.  I was able to give him some peace and validation by conceding my shortcomings, acknowledging that my reactions had caused him pain, and telling him that I was sorry for that.  I was also able to deflect some of his more hurtful accusations because I have learned that many of my characteristics, which can make life so painful for his addict, are actually strengths. 

  I feel sad about the loss of my marriage as the result of this terrible disease.  But, without the pain that I encountered from sexaholism, there would have been no driving need for me to change, to learn about myself, and to learn to trust myself.  I am very grateful for the gifts of this program.  I love the new me that I see emerging, and I look forward to seeing more of my true self.

   

• I couldn't stand the thought that I was powerless over anything!  The more I tried to grasp the thought that I was powerless over my husband, his sexaholism, and this addiction as a whole, the more I tried to control other things in my life, such as my work, my kids, my friends, etc.
  
  Through counseling and this Program, I've discovered that being powerless is not a "category" thing; it applies to everything.  I finally came to the conclusion that God has the ultimate control in my life.  When I released the control to him, I couldn't believe the amount of peace and serenity I found.  I’m so grateful that I was willing to do the footwork to get to where I am today.
  
  I heard an interesting statement yesterday:  “It doesn't matter if we can trust a person or not, what counts is that we can trust ourselves to handle what comes our way and God to always provide and take care of us.”  That is such a freeing statement for me that I wanted to share it with all of you.