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S-Anon members share experience, strength, and hope on
working the Steps.
STEP 1
I've been in the program for about six months, and from the
very start, I understood the concept that I was powerless over
sexaholism. I really got that. I knew he used pornography
from childhood and I knew he needed help, but beyond that, it
was something that I prayed about. I asked God to encourage,
challenge and protect him. I had peace that God was working
in my husband and that I needed to be patient. Every few
months, maybe three times a year, I would ask him how he was
doing and he would lie and say that “it” was all over. I knew
he was lying and I knew God was there. The only impact I saw
was that my husband was not as connected to God as he wanted
to be and that troubled him. It never occurred to me that I
caused this, could control it or cure it.
I knew nothing about the rest of what my husband was
doing. He came to me and said he needed help. I was thankful
he was ready and was glad for him. At the time he disclosed
to me the extent of what he had been doing, it was all in the
past. He had been sober for two months, it had been over a
year since he'd been with someone else, and all the things
that hurt me were long passed. I joined S-Anon where I
learned about the Steps. I knew I was powerless over
sexaholism. I thought I understood Step One just fine.
Until recently, though, I still had a terrible time with
the tidal waves of pain and anger and the sudden sensation
that I was going to throw up. Before I came into the program,
I was terrified that addiction wasn't going to kill me, that I
was going to have to live with it and there would be no escape
from the hell I was in. As time went by, I came to the
conclusion that these tidal waves would mellow out if I worked
my S-Anon program and eventually I would be able to cope with
them. Already I progressed from drowning for a week at a time
with only hours in between rounds, to drowning only for a day
or two at a time with a week or so in between.
As the latest tidal wave swamped me, I desperately reached
for literature and something new finally got through to me. I
grabbed How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of
Alcoholics, started again at the beginning of the section on
the Steps, and I saw words that had never registered with me
before. (See p.46). I had always read the first part about
the Three C’s (cause, cure, control) and then my brain skipped
over the rest of the paragraph. I really did understand that
cause, control, cure part, but the rest of the sentence had
totally escaped me. My life prior to S-Anon hadn't seemed all
that unmanageable - but now that I was drowning in tidal waves
of pain and anger, it was absolutely unmanageable.
I read those words that I was powerless over “the fact that
we have been affected by this disease” and that I could do
nothing to overcome this effect on me, and it was like a
switch turned off and the storm ended for me. I am powerless
over all that stuff he did and I am powerless over the fact
that I was hurt because of it.
I told myself two things: it was very reasonable that I
was hurt and it was time to move on – now. It didn’t help. I
was trying to control the effects of this disease on me. And
those efforts were killing me.
I am powerless over this tidal wave knocking me over. And
that's okay. Now I know that I don't need to do something, or
learn something, or get over something. It's not my fault
that this pain swamps me. I am not a failure and a bad wife
because I still hurt. I am powerless over the pain. I am
powerless over the anger. I am powerless over the need to
throw up.
What a relief. I don't have to tame these storms anymore.
I don't have to fight them. They are not my battle to fight.
Today, the tidal waves come. The pain is there, the anger is
there, and I could still throw up, but this all seems to be
crashing on the shore next to me - not over me. I know they
are there. I know I can jump into them and drown. And just
knowing that I am allowed to be powerless over these feelings
makes all the difference.
Now I have a program of my own to work. I know when the
pain is crashing I let God tame the storm. I didn't cause my
pain or anger. I cannot control my pain or anger. I cannot
cure my pain and anger. I also don't have to drown in them
anymore. This is where my sobriety begins for me--with
admitting I am powerless over “the effects of this disease.”
STEP 3
I have been married to a sexaholic for 7 ½ years. I
experience my husband “acting in.” This means to me that he
doesn’t reach out to me, he doesn’t connect with me and he
doesn’t want to have sex with me. As an S-Anon I grew up in a
home with an unrecovered sexaholic father and an unrecovered
“S-Anon” mother. As a result, for me “sex was the most
important sign of love.” So marrying a man who didn’t want to
have sex with me felt devastating.
I lost all self-esteem. I felt unloved by my husband. I
felt unloved by God because for whatever reason, I believed
what I had was what God wanted for me. It resulted in the
loss of all love and caring for myself.
I have attended S-Anon for 11 months now but only started
to work the Steps four months ago. I’m currently working Step
Three. I have struggled with Step Three because I believed
that God wanted me to have the pain I experienced in the seven
and a half years of marriage. I found writings from my faith
tradition that speak of God being with me in difficult times,
how much God loves me and such positive things. Now, for
weeks, I have meditated on these ideas.
A recovery friend suggested that I get a “God Can.” So I
got a can and wrote on the lid, “God’s Can Because God Can.”
I wrote down and put in there things that I admit my
powerlessness over and turn over to God. One of the things I
put in God’s Can was my Step Three. Through the use of
meditating, daily prayer, daily reading from Al-Anon’s Courage
to Change I was able to do so. Going to meetings, sharing,
and listening to others share also helped me. As a result of
putting my Step Three in God’s hands I am growing more
confident in God and I am closer to being able to turn my will
and my life over to His care.Through all this, I realized that
I need to start loving and caring for myself again. I am
beginning to believe again that God loves me. And if God
loves me I should love myself. So today, I took a big step in
taking care of myself by taking an inventory of my Saturdays.
Lately, I have had some very bad ones.
Why was I agitated and depressed on Saturdays? I realized
that Saturdays were the day after my date night with my
husband. We have fun together, we get close, and we spend
time together. We kiss, hug and hold hands. At these times I
want more, I want to be sexual. But my husband does not want
more.
So I wake up on Saturdays agitated, frustrated and
depressed because I am feeling unloved. Out of love for
myself and to take care of myself I decided to forego date
night for now. This may sound bizarre to many but I’ve been
the victim and martyr too long. This is something I had to do
out of love for myself.
I came to realize that I was as much of the problem as my
husband. I set myself up to be hurt time and time again. No
more would I have a hand in putting myself in the role of
victim or martyr. This is a huge step for me in self care and
loving myself. As I begin to believe again that God loves me
I can now start loving myself again.
MORE STEPS
Three years ago, I wanted to die. I was also filled with
so much rage I wanted to commit murder. Thankfully both
desires back then were only thoughts and agonizing emotions.
It was like an electrical bolt hit every cell in my body
when I first learned that there was a person in my life who is
a “lustaholic.” I turned to the religion I belonged to and
they tried to help me by setting up a group of women for me to
meet with weekly. We went through a book (non-conference
approved) which only added to my agony. Fortunately for me, I
had learned of S-Anon only a few months before the mystery in
my marriage was revealed. It took me from April to November
of trying non-12th Step “solutions” until I hit bottom and was
willing to come to S-Anon.
I feel very blessed because the first meeting I ever went
to was an S-Anon Step meeting. We had a member with long
experience at that meeting who understood how to live in the
S-Anon Solution. I am very grateful to my higher power for
placing me in a group that reads the Steps (and now
Traditions) once a month. I was also fortunate to get a
sponsor right away and begin to work the Steps. Seeing that I
was powerless and that my life was unmanageable was not a big
leap for me. Feeling dead inside and completely confused by
another person’s lust had sucked the life out of me, yet I was
determined to go through the Steps, call my sponsor and get to
that Step meeting.
I learned early on that I had choices and that it had to be
OK to make mistakes. Walking though each Step as outlined in
our S-Anon Step Book with a Sponsor, I was able to see my part
in this disease. I had put entirely too much focus and
attention on my husband and our marriage. I decided that only
my Higher Power (Steps 2, 3 and 11) should have that much
devotion, work, worship, and attention. Moreover, in doing my
Steps I could see how I had a pattern (Step 4) in picking
people who could not or would not love and support me in a
healthy way. Probably worst of all I saw how my disease (Step
8) had hurt others.
Thankfully, I was driven to S-Anon. Today I love who I am,
and one day at a time, I’m learning how to pick people who CAN
love and support me. I can only attend one meeting a week
which is the original Sunday Night Step meeting. However,
being a housewife with no children to raise, I am blessed to
be in a position to do a lot of service work (Step 12).
Upon entering S-Anon our local Intergroup had folded. No
one was updating the “Where and When” local contact
information. I took that Where and When list and called every
single contact, updated each entry, and distributed the
updated version. The Intergroup formed again, and I became
the Where and When Coordinator. I rotated out of that
position and then became the Hot Line Coordinator. I rotated
out of the Hot Line Coordinator service position and was
elected to be the Chair Person for our Intergroup, my current
position.
I admit that I do not like doing service outside of the
Group Level; however when no one else was willing at the time
to be our Virginia Delegate I agreed to hold that position
too. At the Group Level I’m getting ready to rotate out of
the GSR (Group Service Representative) position. Our Home
Group has a Steering Committee meeting once a month to ensure
we are keeping focused on the new person (Step 12) and that
our meeting adheres to the S-Anon Traditions. I am the Chair
Person for this Steering Committee.
As you can see I do believe in the “spirit of service” and
the “spirit of rotation.” Several of the positions I served
in only because no one else at the time was available or able
to take those service positions. I am grateful to my Higher
Power to report that every single service position I held in
the past has been filled by another S-Anon Member.
I absolutely love the service position of Sponsor. Right
now I have several sponsees. I love to see them grow as they
walk through the Steps with their concept of a Higher Power.
I use the S-Anon Step book questions, Alcoholic’s Anonymous
Big Book, the Alcoholic Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve
Traditions book; all are Conference Approved Literature (CAL).
Typically, we sit down together and I show them where the
Steps are in the Big Book. I have them read the Steps in each
book for a while.
My understanding is that as an S-Anon member I have a
disease. And from my personal experience I know this disease
will kill or torture me if I don’t address it using the S-Anon
program. It’s life or death for me. I like to go to the
source in dealing with my addictive behavior toward others; I
skip over Al-Anon’s (Conference Approved Literature) for
myself and those I sponsor. For me AA’s Big Book is the best
source for dealing with addition. However I keep an open mind
toward all of our Conference Approved Literature.
Having said all of this you may be thinking my days and
evenings are filled with actions of service work for our
fellowship. Well, they are not, I use the calendar and
schedule time with my sponsees, and show up for the other
service work when it too shows up on my calendar. I trust my
schedule and outcome to the God of my understanding, and so
far, I’ve never had it so good or had this much free time!
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