"My Victory Gardens"

After a while in program I made a conscious decision to stop all self-abuse, to change my tactic from self-destruction to self-love in thought, word and deed.  Treating myself with kindness, gentleness and respect when I was hurting was my new sobriety commitment. This was a major strategy change I made on my own behalf. Soon after this commitment my husband relapsed and lost his sobriety of many years. 

There were many people, places and things that reminded me of his infidelity and betrayal.  They pierced my heart and left me feeling shattered at unexpected and inconvenient times and places; they tempted me to take the easy and familiar path of self-destructive thoughts, words, actions and omissions.  But, instead I practiced my new sobriety..  When I felt hurt and angry I would say to myself "in order to be sober I will acknowledge my feelings and do something beautiful and loving to cope with them and bring some good out of this hateful deed."  I said to myself the Step 11 prayer "...Where there is hatred let me bring love..."

My Victory Garden of Roses

My husband was stealing from our joint credit cards for his addiction.  I felt outraged that I could be legally required to pay for half of his infidelity activities.  I sought counsel from clergy and a lawyer.  The clergy leader said to me, "It is always right to protect yourself."  The lawyer arranged for me to file for financial protection to stop the credit spending.  In order to protect myself from his stealing I was required to file for legal separation as a condition for obtaining a financial protection order.  Not 24 hours after I discovered his betrayal and stealing I was in front of a judge who declared us legally separated. It was devastating to me yet we still lived together as we had not made plans to geographically separate.  Uncertainness reigned; I wasn't sure how long we would continue to live together.

One day, after my husband and I had an argument over this whole situation, I had many self destructive thoughts. It was time to practice my new resolve to live the Step 11 prayer "Where there is hatred, let me bring love".  I felt surely I was the recipient of hatred.  I decided I would have my victory over hatred by answering it with a loving action.  I went to the store and bought six rose plants.  They were not in bloom but were only thorny sticks on a clump of dirt.  A good metaphor for what our marriage looked like at that moment in time! I got a shovel and prayed the Step Four prayer as I dug a hole for the rose. "This is a sick man; show me how to have the compassion I would cheerfully grant a sick friend."  Thump, in the hole one rose plant goes! Shovel, shovel...save me from being angry...Thump, rose plant number two... Thy will not mine be done".  When all six roses were planted I had been active, done a good deed instead of responding in kind and had my first “something beautiful” growing in my victory garden. 

I had a moment of sadness thinking that I may never see the victory garden in bloom.   If the legal separation ended in divorce the house would be sold before the roses bloomed.  I took solace in the thought that someone would one day see, smell and enjoy the roses but I hoped it would be my husband and me. 

In another instance of feeling hurt by the sexaholic I bought a package of wildflowers and planted them in another garden; another painful moment in time I planted holly hocks.

The Victory Garden of My Soul 

To give myself positive examples of coping with tragedy I began reading stories of the lives of famous spiritual people and I got the idea of planting a spiritual victory garden.  I did this when I experienced hateful actions and I brought love through kind thoughts, gestures, words or intangible spiritual attitudes of love. Though they could not be seen like the victory rose garden, they could be felt in the soul as love.  It became a personal challenge and I had a surprise when this change in me brought about similar changes in my spouse.  I felt like he was stealing my spiritual flowers when my loving action was returned by him!  It took the challenge out of my gestures.  He competed with me for kindness and I felt cheated for a minute from my victory. Then I realized we had a double victory. How easily I can lose the big picture when I get my mind set!

Using the 7th Step Prayer, I asked God to take away my resentment, fear, injuries, and mental pictures of my husband’s deeds.  I asked God to heal my memories when my mind recalled details of the hurts of people, places or things related to his sexaholism.  As suggested in our Eighth Step prayer I prayed for the injuring party(s) to be healed. Each time I rejected my own hateful thought, word or deed I considered it a plant in my spiritual victory garden as a gift to God, myself and humanity.  

Each hateful thought, word or deed I received from someone else that I forgave and refused to return in kind I also envisioned as a flower in my spiritual victory garden. These victories help me to love myself and to sleep at night with a clear conscience and they improved my self esteem because I was choosing the way of life and love, being who I was created to be, worthwhile and lovable . 

It has been some years now since I planted my first victory gardens.  I am better at loving myself and others through the practice of these 12 Steps.  There is a sweet fragrance in the gardens of my yard and of my soul.

"The Blank 7th Step Prayer"

Our conversation almost always reveals to me a character defect that I have been unconsciously suffering with.  For instance, one time I shared how I mistake intensity for intimacy in my sex relations with my sexaholic husband.  Rather than trying to figure it out, my sponsor and I write it down on paper (usually a napkin!) in preparation for a 7th Step Prayer.  

Referring to the list with my sponsor, I check for resentments.  Did this defect affect my self-esteem, my pocketbook, my ambitions, or my personal relationships?  Where had I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking or frightened?  I discover that I can honestly look at my part when I know that I’m going to “give it to God.”

Then, I say the following: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.  I pray that you now remove from me the character defect of mistaking intensity for intimacy that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.  Amen.”

My sponsor and I have come to call this the Blank 7th Step Prayer because on an ongoing basis we fill in the blank with whatever is currently blocking us from God.

I am filled with relief after saying this prayer.  I have done my part to change my behavior and my way of thinking and now it is up to God and the Steps to work me.  As it says in Alcoholic’s Anonymous, I hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him.  It has worked for us, either over time or almost immediately.  The Steps always work, if we work it.

"Working a Third Step at Work"

My Higher Power guided me to do a First Step around work.  My work life is unmanageable and out of my control.  If a Higher Power can restore me to sanity from sexaholism, the God of my understanding can restore me to sanity at work (Second Step).  Now I work the Third Step in my personal life.  I wanted desperately to feel connected to my Higher Power at work.  I tried and tried, but I could not connect.  I continually felt isolated and despairing.  I realized I was trying to play God.  I wanted to know everything, be involved in everything, attempting to do two jobs.  And I just couldn’t do it anymore. 

My sponsor suggested, “Invite your Higher Power to come to work with you.”  At the same time I heard a talk about setting your intention for your day in the morning.  It was suggested to stop thinking about what you don’t want to happen that day – i.e.  “I hope I don’t have to interact with that guy that yelled at me yesterday, I just know I’m not going to have enough time to do everything I need to do, etc.”  Instead focus on what you DO want from your day.  I already learned that if I truly believed a Higher Power was acting in my life, I would be more dedicated, diligent and focused with my morning prayer and meditation reading. 

Now, instead of reading the daily passage from Al-Anon’s Courage to Change book while I eat my morning toast standing up at the kitchen counter, I eat my breakfast and go to a sacred space and connect with my Higher Power for about 15 minutes.  I set my positive intention for the day, which at this point is, “I want to feel connected to my Higher Power at work and throughout my day.”  I also invite my Higher Power to come to work with me today, because I can’t do it by myself anymore. 

Once I get to work I struggle with how I bring my Higher Power here with me. As I look around everything appears the same, how am I going to stop getting sucked into playing God again and trying to do everything?  I purchased a card with the Third Step Prayer on it and placed it in my planner, in the window where I think you are “supposed” to put a business card.  For me, this is a reminder during the work day to re-focus on what is really important, not just my to-do list and my sense that I am overwhelmed.  I say the Third Step prayer and turn my will over to God.  He knows the way.