"Welcoming Newcomers"

Welcoming newcomers has been a process for our group – at times difficult.  I came to my first S-Anon meeting fearful of being “found out.”   I was ashamed of being there, and I was terrified of friends and family discovering my attendance at this particular meeting.  Yet I soon developed a level of trust.  I was accepted in the group just as I was.  My anonymity was respected and I felt safe.

In the beginning our group had no set way for newcomers to find us.  If newcomers didn’t contact the S-Anon World Service Office and ask for a meeting in our area, there was no way to find us.  Gradually a few of us shared our personal phone numbers with health care providers, and newcomers began to find us.

Our group went through a time when a “screening” process for newcomers was in place.  This was not a healthy period of time for our group.  To “protect” our anonymity we had become judgmental, and Tradition Three was not being allowed to work in our group.  It took a courageous newcomer to telling us how it felt to be on the receiving end of that newcomer screening process for us to re-examine the process – and let go of it.

This was a wonderful lesson for me in seeing how well our program works if we follow our S-Anon Traditions.  I now know how important it is to welcome each newcomer with acceptance and trust.  When I do my part in protecting my own anonymity, and truly welcome the newcomer, this is my S-Anon program working at its best.

"The S-Anon Gift of Intimacy"

Through the S-Anon program I came face-to-face with an issue that had eluded me over years of recovery in another Twelve Step program.  I have a core fear of abandonment, of being lost and alone and disconnected from others.  Ten years ago, just before my wedding to a recovering sex addict, I attended my first S-Anon meetings at an international convention.  For the first time, awareness of the consequences of my fear playing out in my relationships bubbled to the surface.  My first reactions were shame, loss, and pain for repeated rejection by so many others and for the poor choices I had continuously made in my efforts to connect with others.  I was overwhelmed with sadness and confusion.  I knew that I needed what S-Anon could provide! 

In the next few years, the issue of abandonment took center stage in my new marriage as we struggled with intimacy.  I drove a long distance to attend face-to-face S-Anon meetings and often cried on the way to and from the meetings.  The time spent driving, alone with my rush of feelings, was therapeutic.  I expressed a lot of anger and grief out loud to God and to myself.

Throughout my time in the program, I shared my relationship struggles and some old pain with fellow S-Anons.  My S-Anon sponsor and others suggested I give up expectations of my spouse in this regard.  I have learned to set aside what my spouse is supposed to be or do in marriage or in his own sobriety and recovery.  This detachment is not easy and is an area on which I continuously work. 

Over time, I have learned to establish physical, sexual, and emotional boundaries to keep myself safe in relationships, something I hadn’t been able to do before S-Anon.  I have learned to seek honest, intimate connections throughout my life, with God, and with those around me.  I’ve learned I can survive without sex in my marriage, even though I don’t want to.  My relationship with my God is the anchor of my self-worth and of my feelings of connectedness and love.  More than anything, intimacy with God has freed me from my abandonment fears. 

Closeness ebbs and flows in my relationships with my husband, my children, and significant others in my life.  Feelings of abandonment return at times, but they are shorter-lived and less intense.  I more easily recognize loneliness darkening my thoughts and experiences and now have the tools to work through these times.  More often than not, I feel complete in myself and connected with others today.  What a gift!