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"Taking My First Step" |
It
was not until I married a sex addict who didn’t desire me
sexually that I finally began to see my pattern of unhealthy
and destructive behaviors. One thing that had been a constant in life was that
men wanted sex. My
husband wanted sex, but not with me. His sexual rejection of me sent me spiraling out of
control. I had an unbelievable number of raw feelings.
All
the sexual intensity of our courtship practically stopped
after we said, “I do.” He physically assaulted me during our honeymoon. Of course, he profusely apologized as I was packing
my bags to get on the plane to go have our marriage
annulled. During
the first six months of our marriage I could hardly bear or
understand his lack of interest in me sexually, especially
after all of the passion we had before. I tried obvious tactics like buying lingerie and
making nice dinners. He
would then usually either “perform” out of duty or start
a fight in order to not have to be sexual with me. I was always left hurt, confused and wondering what I
did or didn’t do to turn him off.
I
realize now that “I am powerless over sexaholism.” What does that mean? I
have control over myself; I have no control over anyone
else. What do I
have the power to change? I can change myself. I don’t have to allow anyone
to take my peace, my
power or my happiness. I have the power to become healthy, to meet people
who are healthy, and to have fulfilling relationships. I have the power to control my reactions. It’s OK to feel; what’s not OK is to react to my
feelings in a hurtful or abusive manner. I don’t have to argue. I don’t have to yell or scream. If someone insults or criticizes me I don’t have to
respond in kind. I
have control over when I talk and what I say. I have control over the boundaries I set for myself,
and can choose to cross my own boundary or change the
boundary when it is obvious I need to do so. I don’t have to please anyone else – not my
sister-in-law, boss, co-workers, brother, or ex-husband. I don’t even have to please my Higher Power,
because he already accepts me as I am. One thing I try to remember when I’m dealing with
others is to accept them as they are.
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"My One-Year Chip" |
Every
day that I walk this earth I increasingly realize that
almost everything is more precious than money. Before this year, I thought money could and would be
my security. That need for security may be filled with only one thing and
that is faith in God. I
have more security today. My willingness to accept a different way allows me to
feel a true validation of my self, as opposed to validation
that I had previously sought through my qualifier or others. I don’t feel the burden to keep up with society, to
be in fashion, to have the newest gadgets or the biggest
house. I do not
want to win the lottery; in fact I no longer care to even
occasionally buy tickets. I love people more deeply. I think more, I feel more and there is peace in my
life. I have
found a voice for my feelings and I have shared them, and
things have changed because of that. |
