"Tools of the S-Anon Program"

SLOGANS

I like to use slogans as succinct reminders to keep me on a smooth path.  Often I don’t have time or clarity of mind to analyze what I am feeling, but a slogan helps me through the moment.  For example, if I’m feeling out of control, I think H.A.L.T.: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired (see p. 13 Working the S-Anon Program).  Using this acronym I can often pinpoint at least one source of my distress.  Once identified, I can take steps to get on an even keel again.  Am I hungry?  Grab a snack.  Angry?  I acknowledge it and commit to an examination of the feeling at a more opportune time.  Lonely?  I make a call, sit, and talk with another to get free of isolation.  Tired?  I take a nap or resolve to go to bed early.  My distress is eased when I identify a cause and offer options to myself that are positive and healthy.

Another slogan that immensely helps me is “One Day at a Time.”  When I think too far ahead I am overwhelmed with the burden of what could happen (usually negative); what I will do; what will be the repercussions; etc.  These thoughts evolve quickly into a crushing burden because of my concerns for my spouse’s disease.  When I observe the slogan, I limit my worries to today.  It is much more manageable to think about and solve something today.  I am aware of the good things when I focus on this 24 hour day.  My worries are smaller and my joys and opportunities are bigger.  The many long time worries never come to pass, or by the grace of God, resolve in ways that I would have never believed or anticipated.  One day at a time allows me to live today, not wallowing in the past or fearing the future.

LITERATURE

I don’t know where my life would be without S-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL).  Pulling out the S-Anon Twelve Steps or Alcoholic’s Anonymous (The Big Book) and reading a passage always seems to be just what I need.  During my darkest times, I have found my answers there in a book.  For example, yesterday I was struggling with an issue at work.  My morning reading today included Step Eleven.  As I read this beautiful step, the answer to the previous day’s problem appeared before my eyes.  Another example occurred several months ago when my husband had a slip in his program.  I felt devastated.  He was quick to correct and work his program but I worried about my state of mind and wondered if I would be able to pull out of my depression.  One day my readings brought me to the Step Two Stories in the S-Anon Twelve Steps.  On page 20, I read, “Living with the effects of sexaholism wore me out.”  That was my wake up call; a reminder to me that I do not have control.  I turned the situation over to God and began to move forward.  I am happy to begin each day with prayer and meditation followed by literature.  I am grateful every day of my recovery for the tool of literature in S-Anon.

TWELFTH STEP SERVICE

Service in the program has greatly benefited me.  When I first came to S-Anon there were people in the rooms there for me.  They ran the meetings, handed me tissues to dry the seemingly endless tears, and nodded with understanding and validation of the things I said.  I felt for the first time in my married life that I was in a room with people who understood the real me.  Encouragement and hugs helped me as much as anything and gave me the strength to get through the week until I could return to the group next week.

Now, nearly eight years later, I probably could be fine most of the time without going to a meeting.  However, I remember the service of all those members during my early days of recovery and I attend nearly every week so that there is someone there to accept and encourage the newcomers.  My attendance reminds me of how much I’ve grown away from victimization, isolation and emotional paralysis of my days as a newcomer.  I enjoy hearing other peoples’ applications of the Steps and Tools.  Our meetings are uplifting and I come away with a sense of hope for the coming week that is priceless. 

Another benefit is the wonderful friendships I have made with many others over the years.  I have persons I can call who won’t judge me and who understand the depth of hurt that this disease can cause.  I have also received the benefit of receiving calls from others.  The calls serve as a reality check on my progress and provide me with connections to others.  I give and receive benefits through service.                                                        

WRITING

Writing was the hardest tool in recovery for me to use.  I found the process of writing down my thoughts and feelings to be laborious and painful.  I never seemed to know where to start.  I saw other people receive clarity by writing in their journal but when I journalled, I came away more confused and frustrated than ever.  I even delayed my Fourth Step, not because I was afraid to face my defects, but because I didn’t want to write it out.  Recently I attended a conference for my work.  One of the speakers there spoke of using a journal as a way of reducing stress.  The speaker shared that she often found herself at a loss as to what to write about.  Her solution to this problem was to number the first page of her journal from one to thirty-one.  By each number she wrote a topic and when she was stuck she began her writing with the topic that corresponded with the date/number for the day of the month.  What a great idea for me!  When I returned home from the conference I purchased a journal immediately.  I numbered the first page one to thirty-one and began listing topics.  My topics include:  Step Work, Family, Self-Care, Work, Forgiveness, etc.  Now when I sit down with my journal, if I am at loss, I look back to page one to see what the topic is and begin writing.  Once I start, the words seem to flow.  I am thankful for the recovery I receive when I use the tool of writing.

MEETINGS

In the short time that I’ve attended S-Anon it is the meetings that are the most important tool of recovery for me.  The first S-Anon meeting I attended changed my perspective on many subjects.  I was hesitant to attend because I was concerned that the meeting would consist of whining, complaining women who were angry at men.  It was a relief to find a structured, well-balanced meeting.  Members were committed to working on themselves in order to better their relationships with others in every aspect of their life.  It felt good to me to realize there is a group whose members want to make the best of their lives by working on self, not others.  After several years of feeling alone, I finally found the support system I had wished existed.  Thanks S-Anon!

"How Important Is It?"

This slogan provided for me a way to stop my fruitless agitation and painful prodding.  How important is it to force an apology?  It was fruitless for me and only caused me more pain.  Constantly feeling righteous and victimized did not serve me well.  It was more important for me to have serenity than it was to be right and righteous.  To have serenity I needed to release my anger and victimization.  I needed to work the Steps and Step 1 for me meant acknowledging that I was powerless to make myself feel better through forced confessions and apologies from my partner.  I accepted that tossing an injured creature around was not only not important, it was also damaging to my serenity.  I could work Step 1 and let it go.

Lately, this slogan has been speaking to me in a different way in my life.  It reminds me now that I am important.  Working the Steps shows me that I have my own wants and needs and that I have a voice to express myself.  It is extremely important that I take care of myself and use all the tools I have to keep my life serene and fulfilling.  If my husband wants sexual intimacy at a moment when I do not, I ask myself:  “How important is it?”  The answer is “It is so important!”  I choose not to have sex to keep the peace anymore because I AM IMPORTANT! 

Today this slogan not only helps me to release what is not mine; it also helps me to know what is mine.  How important is that?  For me, it is everything!

"Isolation"

The more I focused on work and busyness, and the more things I got done, the better I thought I felt.  But in fact I started feeling exhausted.  Isolation can drain my energy, big time.  This situation was of my own making, I had no spirituality.  I can see this today, but I had no idea back then. The busier I was the less time I had to look at the "problem."

The addictive process in the home was happening under my nose.  My denial to myself and the people around me and the illusion of control was my process.  

I have always been a “people person” and always had people over to visit, especially when the kids were young and growing up.  Or we went to see others; I learned early in life (as I moved from country to country) that if I didn't make the first move I would sit on my "own."  However, now that I have recognized living with addictive behaviors, I can identify with the "losing" of people one knows by having no time for them.  By keeping so busy, I had no time!

I realized this when I had been in the program for a while.  I had no idea at first that I was creating my own addictive behavior to cope with addictions around me.  It is so cunning, baffling and powerful and it all "looks” like:  acceptance from others; power, control, money.  And all of a sudden I had created a wall around me; all an illusion of security and control.

By thinking I could "have it all," all of "it" had me.

Thanks to the S-Anon program, and thanks to a Higher Power working in my life in very strange ways, I began to see and understand by looking back at my process of building walls around me.  Over time I was able to see a way out of isolation again.  Today I love my solitude, but don't like isolation.