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Questions About Meetings and How S-Anon Works
Who comes to
S-Anon?
Before we went to an S-Anon
meeting, some of us had some interesting or fearful ideas about
who we might see there, but S-Anon members are people
from all walks of life: wives, husbands, lovers, sisters,
brothers, children and parents of sexaholics. We are simply
people whose lives have been deeply affected by another person's
sexaholism. We meet together to share our experience, strength
and hope in order to solve our common problems. Our Third
Tradition states, "The only requirement for membership
is that there be a problem of sexaholism in a relative or
friend." This means that you decide if you
qualify for S-Anon; your membership in S-Anon is not determined
for you by any rules of the fellowship or of the meetings you
choose to attend.
You may have heard of
other Twelve-Step groups that offer help to friends and
relatives of sexaholics. Although they are separate entities,
each "family" group cooperates with a particular
recovery program for sexaholics; S-Anon cooperates
with Sexaholics Anonymous. However, it is important to note that
regardless of which recovery program (if any) your relative or
friend attends, you are welcome at S-Anon meetings.
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and meeting locations
What
happens at meetings? Do I have to say anything?
Meetings provide a safe
place to say what is in our hearts and on our minds, but there
is no need to say anything about your situation until you feel
comfortable doing so. You are free to just listen, especially at
your first meeting. It is customary at most meetings to go
around the room introducing ourselves by first name only. There
will probably be some reading from S-Anon
conference-approved literature, that is, material which focuses
on the S-Anon approach to recovery. (Conference-approved
literature includes only material published by S-Anon,
Sexaholics Anonymous, Al-Anon or AA.)
A topic will probably
be introduced. Sometimes, the meeting leader will call on those
who indicate they want to speak. Other groups decide to have
members share in turn by going around in a circle, or use other
methods to give each member an equal time to share. We
give each other the opportunity to speak without interruption,
avoiding "cross-talk" (give-and-take discussion, or
any comments directed at other members) or advice-giving. If
members wish to receive feedback about issues they share during
the meeting, they can state during their sharing that feedback
would be welcome after the meeting has closed. We share
what is in our hearts, and focus on listening to others so we
can gain insight into our own problems. We try to watch the
length of time we speak so that everyone present will have an
opportunity to share if they wish to. When the sharing is
finished, the leader closes the meeting, and people usually stay
for a few minutes after the meeting to talk with each other.
Some meetings have a custom of going to a nearby restaurant for
coffee or a snack after the meeting.
Not all you hear at any
particular meeting will pertain to you. That is why we say
"Take what you liked and leave the rest." That is also
why we suggest you attend at least six meetings before you decide
whether S-Anon is for you.
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How
will S-Anon help me?
The people you hear at
meetings may not have the same set of circumstances as your own,
but you will probably be able to identify with some of their
feelings. In S-Anon we discover that there is hope
for changing our own lives. We hear others, who were once in
the same or even worse situations, tell how they are solving
their problems and growing into the people they want to be. We learn
from other members how they used the S-Anon
program and principles to solve problems similar to those we are
now facing. Whether or not our friends or relatives ever seek
recovery, becoming aware of our own self-defeating
behavior in a safe environment like S-Anon is a
major step toward freedom and recovery.
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Will
anyone say I've been to an S-Anon meeting?
It is very important to
all S-Anon members to respect each other's anonymity;
it is the key to feeling safe to share whatever we need to
share. We should not discuss who we see at meetings, or what is
said there, even with our partners. In S-Anon we
use first names and last initials only, unless it is our
choice to tell someone our full name. We should never reveal the
identity of another S-Anon or SA member without
that person's consent.
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Is
this some kind of religious program?
No. Like all
Twelve-Step programs, S-Anon is spiritual, not
religious. It is spiritual in the sense that we come to
depend upon a Power greater than
ourselves - a Power that we are free to define as we wish - to
help us to solve our problems and achieve peace of mind. The
Twelve Steps contain principles that are universal,
applicable to everyone, so it is not necessary to practice any
religion at all in order to put them into practice. S-Anon
is meant to be helpful to everyone, regardless of their
particular faith, so at meetings we avoid discussion of specific
religious faiths, beliefs, and publications (such as the Bible,
Koran, etc.). You will hear people use the terms God or
Higher Power. As with other Twelve Step programs, S-Anon
can work for those who are very religious, and for those who
have no formal concept of God or a Higher Power. Some
people use the S-Anon group as their Higher Power, because the
group is a power greater than themselves.
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Who
runs this group?
All of us do, but we
have group leaders or chairpersons who are chosen by the group
for short periods of time to help things run smoothly. We do not
have any authorities or experts, and no one person speaks for
S-Anon. If professional therapists attend S-Anon
meetings, they do so as people whose lives have been affected by
the sexaholism of a relative or friend, not in a professional
capacity.
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How
much will this cost?
There are no dues or
fees to be a member of S-Anon. We pass a basket
at meetings and people voluntarily contribute what they can
afford. The money is used to pay rent for the meeting place,
provide S-Anon conference-approved
literature for the group, and to support the S-Anon
World Service Office (WSO). We do not solicit or accept
outside contributions.
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Now
what do I do?
If you decide to seek
recovery in S-Anon, you may wish to adopt the
following suggestions which have proven to be helpful to S-Anon
members in recovery throughout our program's history.
- Attend as many
meetings as possible, especially for your first few months
in the program.
Talk to other members, both before and after meetings. The cities of meeting locations
can be found on our Meeting
Locations page. Specific
meeting locations within these cities can be obtained by contacting the S-Anon
International Family Groups World Service Office, or in some
cases, by calling an area hotline number. Or you may send an e-mail to sanon@sanon.org.
- Exchange phone
numbers with willing members, and commit yourself to keeping
in touch with at least one other person.
- After awhile you may
wish to ask someone who has been in the program for some
time to be your "sponsor".
A sponsor is a special friend with whom you can share
details, some of which may be either too involved or
inappropriate for sharing at meetings, about your situation
and your personal feelings and who can provide you with
suggestions and guidance in your recovery journey.
- Between meetings you
may find it helpful to read conference-approved literature.
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Members
share what it was like at their first meeting.
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