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"Underlying my dating was the belief that
if only I could find the relationship and somehow "get it
right this time," I would be happy." |
I
grew up in a family saturated with the effects of
sexaholism. My father had multiple affairs and attempted
to sexually abuse my aunt when she was 15 years old. My
parents allowed another family to live with us for the
first year of my life. I believe I was sexually abused
by this family friend during that time. Starting at
about age 10, I was molested by the family eye doctor,
who happened to be a childhood buddy of my father. This
abuse continued until I entered recovery, well into
adulthood, and recognized the doctor's inappropriate
touching as abuse. My mother had no clue to any of this,
perhaps because she was so overwhelmed by living with
active sexaholism.
I began dating
at age 16 when I was a junior in high school. I married
when I was 27 years old. During the intervening eleven
years, I was involved in seven significant
relationships, each with a very different man.
Underlying my dating was the belief that if only I could
find the relationship and somehow "get it
right this time," I would be happy. Not
surprisingly, these relationships were all with
sexaholics, and while their acting out ran the gamut
from affairs with other women to compulsive
masturbation, each relationship made my life
unmanageable. Amazingly, I failed to recognize a pattern
when these sexual problems cropped up each time.
Each
relationship cost me dearly. Some of the problems I
encountered included missing time from college and
graduate school and not completing my assignments and
job tasks. This was due to my preoccupation with the
relationship and being distracted by problems the
relationship created. I allowed these men to use my
cars, my apartments, my food, phone, drugs, body and
time. I paid for gas and car repairs for which I was not
responsible. I became involved in their projects and
lives, while losing myself and my life. I bought and
wore clothes solely to please them. I wasted hours of
time sitting in my parked car waiting for him to come
out of "her" apartment. I was fired from two
jobs due to my preoccupation. I was beaten up by one man
- my head bashed into a wall and my throat choked. With
another man I became pregnant and agreed to have an
abortion. In each relationship, I put myself at risk of
catching a life-threatening sexually transmitted
disease, but I ignored this fact and put my head in the
sand. I contemplated suicide three times and attempted
it once. My crying at work prompted co-workers to
introduce me to my first Twelve Step fellowship and my
own recovery process. A year later my husband identified
his sexaholism and I came to S-Anon.
My life prior
to S-Anon was truly unmanageable. It took
many months of recovery to discover my own likes and
dislikes and to quit trying to "motivate" my
husband and others into action. Today my bills are paid
on time. I take care of myself and give myself
appropriate rest and nutrition. While life is not
perfect, I am grateful for the gifts of the program.
Healing and serenity have progressively grown in my
heart and in my home. I can laugh, and I enjoy waking up
each morning. My husband and I are happy, so are my
children. I know I am powerless over other people and
the choices they make, particularly my husband and his
choices - even in his sobriety. Today I know that the
only person I can change is me with the help of my
Higher Power. These are just some of the gifts of this
program that I have received and for which I can never
be sufficiently grateful.
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